When I became a parent, I tried so very hard to be the best parent I could be. Sometimes I was great and other times was riddled with guilt and shame for the way I parented.
What I realized, but not until years later, was I constantly parented from my place of hurt. My childhood wounds. Kids will trigger these wounds and the behaviour that comes out of us parents is sometimes inexcusable.
Being in a place where you are driven by your demons, makes you very selfish. Whatever happens, you make it about you. Of course it doesn’t feel like that. You are in self- protection mode.
Protecting your younger self, yet again. The inner child that was so beaten and shamed. Trying to save itself from anymore pain.
If you have gone through trauma in your life, sooner or later you build up mechanisms for protection.
It could show up in any number of ways such as:
– Lack of trust
– Self Pity
To name a few
I had some of these behaviours and after doing self-help for years, I finally found and understood why I did what I did and why it was so hard to just stop the behaviour.
To start with, I had some very debilitating beliefs, stored memories and a victim mentality. Although I never sought out for pity, I continually made excuses and reinforced to myself what was drilled into my head from infant hood. I was good for nothing, a waste of skin, and because of that, will amount to nothing in my lifetime.
That is the same language I ended up saying to myself.
I never questioned my own words, because lets face it, what you have been told with intense emotion, repeatedly, you believe. I heard it over and over with absolute certainty while growing up.
How could I not believe it and to top it off, my life was showing me exactly that, making it my reality. You can’t fight what is right in front of you right?
On the flip side, I had/have big dreams. Although I had a victim mentality it did not stop me from getting on with life. We all have the choice to choose the outcome of our lives, even after enduring horrific, emotional torture. It just takes a lot longer, especially of you go it alone.
Luckily, I found a better way and was given the opportunity to go back and right my wrongs.
And let me tell you, that was as emotionally torturous as enduring it in the first place.
My business life now, is the sole reflection of my deepest past struggles. Because of those struggles, I work with others so they don’t have to endure what I did.
The bottom line is, whatever you are struggling with from your past, will bleed out into your parenting. Heal your wounds now, before your bundle of joy gets sucked into the vortex of your hurt.